Happy Monday, World!
These are just my thoughts - nothing more - nothing less. Remember, my truth and what is true are two very different notions. (I could be completely off here, and that's A-OK in my book)!
We’ve all met someone we felt an instant connection with. It’s as if you’ve known each other for a lifetime. (007) Things flow. You might even feel like you knew them in another life. The more people I talk to, the more I hear more stories than I can count where women feel a deep connection, it fizzles, he disappears, or things just don’t work out.
When this happens, sometimes women struggle to let go. Sometimes months and even years go by, and we’re still holding on to the connection we felt. (Guilty as charged).
Let me tell you how long I was hung up on my 007, and if you’re struggling to let go as I did, it isn’t a connection. It’s an attachment. And it’s your attachment that likely smothered and snuffed out this once budding connection.
Connection comes from the heart. Attachment comes from the mind. You attach through your thoughts; you connect through the heart.
Attachment Takes Us Out of The Present Moment
When you find yourself obsessed with thoughts of the past or the future when it comes to your relationships, you’re attached. You’re struggling to let go because you’ve chained your thoughts to the past and how good it was. The connection is gone, and you’re longing for it because you feel its absence so deeply. (If this doesn’t relate, you do not have to keep reading).
If you’re expecting something permanent and final in your life, like an end goal of marriage, family, or the perfect career, you’re future-focused. The feeling your life won’t be complete until this certain something happens is living for something that isn’t here yet.
In my humble opinion, we can’t live like that. The future isn’t real. And we all know nothing is permanent. Divorce is a thing; death is legit, and layoffs happen. Right here, right now, is all we have.
You’re short-changing yourself on happiness if you’re waiting for everything to be locked in and perfect before allowing yourself to have any. You’re chasing shadows. Good luck, Peter Pan!
When getting married or finding that one soulmate becomes a deep need for you, your focus goes to that end goal, and the ability to build a real connection is often lost.
We overthink, overanalyze, and measure each man under our microscope of “Will he fit into my future plan?” The need to fill the slot in our Perfect Life Plan becomes more critical than who that man actually is. Again – personal experience – do not think for a second those men don’t know that’s EXACTLY what we're doing. That they’re a means to an end, that we’re ticking off a box, and we don’t actually care about who they are, we just want our princess party and our cute baby accessories.
What is Attachment
It’s what we think a relationship should look like, how we think it should end. Expectations of how we think things should be. We're attached to a specific idea of what our life should be like, and what to look for in a partner and transfer that attachment to the idea onto him.
When we focus on some mythical future outcome, or dead and gone experiences from the past, we’re not living in the moment, and we’re blocking a real, honest connection. The connection is right here, right now.
Attachment is Need-Based
There are tons of relationship advice about getting our needs met by our partner. While some needs are reasonable, with a deeply connected relationship, this seems to flow with little effort. For example, we may feel the need to see our boyfriend every day or feel he needs to call or text us several times a day. If he misses a good morning text, we panic. If a day or so goes by and you don’t see him, we freak out.
My question is really? Needs are one thing; neediness is another. This is neediness, and we need to leave it at the door. If we have to constantly communicate our needs to our partner, maybe we’re not emotionally connected to him but more connected to our needs and the idea of a relationship.
The unfortunate truth: If we have a deep connection, our needs will already be met.
Many people think you connect and then get to the whole “needs” thing. The connection deepens when your needs are already being met, not the other way around.
If we were really connected, we wouldn’t feel fear and anxiety. We would trust our connection when he isn’t there or within reach at all times. Alarm bells wouln't ring if he doesn’t call us or can’t see us. The goal is to just go on living our fabulous lives and look forward to when you’ll connect again.
Attachments Can be Selfish
Attachments come from a place of trying to fill a void. It’s an unhealthy emotional need for someone else to behave a certain way in order to make you happy. Women who attach hard and fast are often the first to declare themselves selfless and generous. They’re the woman with the “big heart.” Many women give too much in a relationship thinking they’re selfless, when in reality, somewhere deep inside, they’re giving in hopes of getting. It’s a form of control.
We seek acceptance, love, and approval by doing in a relationship instead of just being. We do so much in an attempt to avoid rejection in the hopes of having our deepest needs met by someone else. Even though it looks like we’re selfless with all our doing and giving, in unhealthy attachments, it’s the total opposite. It’s all about what he can or can’t do that makes us happy.
Putting this expectation on another is selfish. When we're coming from a place of trying to get something (a relationship), there’s no room for authentic connection. The connection he once felt starts to feel like an obligation, and he backs away. Then you get mad and resentful because you gave so much.
Connection is Freedom
Relationships form and grow when connections flow over time without expectations or projections. Relationships don’t create connection; connection creates relationships. Not all connections turn into relationships and Accepting this is freeing.
Connections happen when we ditch the rules.
Think of one of your best friends. You can go weeks or months without seeing each other, but the connection never fades. You could even go years and pick right back up where you left off. Enjoy each connection at the moment.
Opportunities for connections are all around us if we can let go and just be. We can have intense connections when we’re alone, connecting to something bigger than ourselves.
The fewer attachments we have, the more connections will organically flow into our lives. We become more open to experiences and not outcomes. When we experience connections without attachments, we've found the ultimate freedom.
What is your attachment style, by the way?
XOXO, Ms.K
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