Due to high demand, let's get real with this hot topic.
Truth Talks VOL II:
A special episode dedicated to all those out there who are trying to make sense of the dating game in '23.
Introduction
I started dating early. What's early, though, right? At 18, I was already living with my first great love. They say we have a maximum of three in our lifespan, and I am down two, so that last #one is still out there. We met under the most insane circumstances, and after two weeks of knowing each other, we were living together, planning our life together, and just madly in love. (First loves are unique, I will admit that.) Even at an 'earlier' age, this was the most natural, easy-flowing thing in the world - a phenomenon I don't see/experience much these days or hear from others. Now I feel super lucky that I was able to experience something so intense at an early age, yet I wonder if it set the expectations a tad higher in the long run. Who knows.
From the age of 18-32, I was in serious relationships.(3) With all three, we met, moved in, and were together 24/7 after two to three weeks of knowing each other. Instantaneously we had the same friends and knew each other's families, which was different from what I hear or experience today. Based on what I hear, sometimes, it takes six months to consider leaving your toothbrush out at someone's house. (So weird, and the toothbrush freaks people out.) I don't get it. Well I do. People are afraid it is turning into something 'serious,' and then they have to commit. I promise you commitment isn't going to be determined based on a toothbrush.
I will wrap this up by saying that there were no head games, no questions about protocols (who should text who, who should call who, and all the BS "politics/policies" that go into the dating game today, which honestly ruins the whole thing. Dating someone and meeting someone shouldn't have an agenda. It should be based on pure interest, desire, and longing to have a connection with a certain someone. Nowadays, we invest too much time into 'thinking' vs.' doing' instead of letting ourselves go through the motions. I always say, if you feel it is right, it is, and if you know it's a dead end, it is. #blot #alwayslistentoyourintuition
Key Learnings
These relationships had a few things in common.
We were friends, lovers, and partners.
We saw each other every day because we cared about each other.
We genuinely wanted to see each other, touch each other, and lay our heads down together after a long day.
We spoke on the phone, even if it was for 2 seconds between breaks, to hear the other's voice. #trueconnection vs #enlesstextingaboutnothing (Now, everyone wants a #penpal to listen to themselves speak.) A key sign of loneliness, by the way.
We wanted to be in a relationship. Everyone worked and did their own thing, but we started our days together and ended our days together, no questions asked.
Roles were also not reversed, which I am seeing more and more these days, and I am not confident that is how things should be.
Significant Difference: THEN VS. NOW
We met in person, not online. (I know this is huge.)
It totally makes a difference. You can sense a spark, there is an immediate attraction, and you can tell if there is chemistry. (People don't like the word #chemistry even though it is the best word to describe the instant feeling you get when you meet someone. It is there. You feel it, you know it, you sense it. We should trust our intuition way more than we do, but that is another tale for another day. Chemistry is the initial #feeling that there is something about that person that leads you to want to know more.
I know this is much more complicated in 2023 when #hybridwork and #remotework is the here and now, but things are really different these days.
I get asked a lot.
"Ms.K, where do you meet someone these days?" I don't know - what about the cereal aisle of Whole Foods where you drop the last box, lock eyes, and offer to give it to the other and say:"How about we enjoy it together since it's the last one?"
Now to the juice.
Modern Day Dating is Scary
The worst part about #onlinedating is that anyone can say anything about themselves, and there are a lot of lies. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am a very open and direct person, so learning to be careful at the age of 38 is not something I want to do, but it seems like it is becoming a must. The fact that we should now ask for a background check, an STD scan (this one makes sense), and a report of your bank account(s) is shocking at the start of a relationship. In my experience, I learned ALL of these things about an individual with time as we grew and developed together. We talked openly about all these things. In two of my serious relationships, they immediately shared all the financial information with me so that I could lead the household, plan, and make investment decisions together for OUR collective future.
I could not have imagined this would be the #new standard operating procedure for dating someone in today's world. Still, after these below experiences, maybe I am also starting to think differently. Oh, and I would have never thought there have to be rules, but there are.
Step 1. No #penpal texting for more than a day. We have to jump on a call to see if there is a connection, as 9/10 people are great texters online but are not assertive solid communicators. A successful relationship is based on successful communication, so this is vital.
If we get to Step 2 as there was a 'spark,' we have to jump on a FaceTime or a Video call to see if who they portray themselves in pictures matches actual real life. And I see tremendous value here for both parties. BTW - Men say women catfish a lot. I see this just as much happening the other way around, so let's stop judging based on gender - or just let's stop judging in general. The video call is essential for another factor. I want to see the surroundings and background of where/how someone lives. I am a neat/clean freak, highly organized, and hygiene matters A LOT to me. I promise you that you can tell a lot about a person from how they present themselves and by seeing their home environment. I mean, if you don't care about your home where you spend most of your time, what do you care genuinely care about? #selfcare
Step 3: No first date that is longer than 30-min. If there is flow and connection, you can continue. But no more long dinners, comedy shows, or weird invitations for first dates that are multiple hours long for someone I just met. No way. A museum is the best or some public place. You can explore if the date sucks, and there are many BIG neon EXIT signs, too.
Here are the three last dates I went on and my key Learnings
#1 If you have serious political sentiments, please let the other person know. This one took me three dates to grasp. Ha. My radar was off, or I was blinded by the good looks and great chemistry. There were small references to not having my "third eye open or how everyone in Hollywood is a pedophile, but it took me a four-hour puzzle-building activity in my own home! to learn that he was a QANON member.
Lesson Learned: If you are a far-right activist or harbor feelings of extreme hatred towards the human race, DO NOT hide that. Say it frankly from the start, as making sure values and political affiliations align are critical to a successful relationship. I am not judging - everyone believes in what they want and need. *Also, if you do not like building puzzles, do not build one with someone who is a perfect stranger. It could go both ways and be a solid bonding experience, but this wasn't the case here.
#2 Be careful with people who 'brag' about themselves. Bragging is a quality that mostly concerns some deeply rooted insecurities. I chose a humble person vs. a bragger any day. In the entrepreneurial and business sector, I have learned and know to be true that if you are successful, you don't talk about it. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, as your accomplishments speak for themselves. This 'gentleman' bragged a lot about how successful he was and how he 'made it' in the real world and went on for days about how he owned his own home. 🏠 (That's a huge deal, and I want to give him a ton of credit for that - well, not just yet, actually.) He portrayed himself as a wildly successful person, and I want to emphasize that this has to be a reg flag when you discuss it in length. He told me it was his birthday, so I got him a card and slice of cake when meeting for our FIRST and last rendezvous. Dinner was great, the connection was great, and I thought we had a good thing going. Fast forward a few hours, and he let me know that he was super pissed that I didn't get the check as it was his bday (psyche) and then told me that I could make this up by cooking dinner for him at my house. I gently asked why not at his house (show off your fantastic home, right?), and he told me that he lives with five roommates, so that won't work.
Lesson Learned: Be super careful with people who brag about their assets and don't have enough funds to take out a woman to dinner. + Just because someone tells you it is their birthday, on a first meeting, you don't owe them anything. Even raising that in return for expecting something should be a red flag, and I promise you you don't owe a successful man a dinner. He will be proud to celebrate and share it with you if he has good-hearted intentions.
#3 Be careful with people jealous of your accomplishments - in my case, just for being an entrepreneur and taking that risk in life. Entrepreneurship is about taking risks and believing in yourself when you have an idea. Nothing more, nothing less. Additionally, if you don't want to sit through a dinner with someone when they walk in the door and everything you feel about them is off - please don't sit through it. You owe a stranger nothing. Here, I didn't take my Step #2 advice about the Video Call. I was catfished. There wasn't a single thing about this person in real life that matched up with his pictures in real life. He didn't have good hygiene, and I am sorry, but bad breath can't fly in my book. I smelled it across the table. To take it to the next level, he called me out for driving/having a car in an urban city (DC is urban, but also 9/10 people drive), for wearing elegant clothes (that's how I roll, and my personal preference, for wearing makeup, and the list could go on. (I just told you a few things, and this was over a 90-min interaction.) Making me pay for my soda was just the 🍒 on top.
Lesson Learned: Leave if you are not comfortable. Time is your most valuable asset; literally, there are many other fish in the sea. You can politely say that this isn't going to work out, and you are doing everyone a favor in the long run!
What have your recent dating experiences been like?
Xoxo, Coach Ms.K
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