4 Ways Trauma Impacts Relationships

Trauma is a big word, and there is much to unpack here.

Happy Wednesday, World!

Finding safe and supportive communities after experiencing attachment trauma is a battle. Not because you are undeserving, not because you are difficult to love, not because you are weird, awkward, crazy, or unlikeable, or any of the other lies you were told. (These are the ones I was mainly told about why I am 38 and still unmarried or do not have at least two children).

It’s hard because people with attachment trauma were robbed of their ability to trust themselves and trust others and thus were not given opportunities to experience what genuine safety, love, belonging, support, and acceptance feel like.

What’s worse, it may feel so unfamiliar and strange that it feels uncomfortable.

We have to learn what safety feels like. And then we have to learn to feel safe feeling safe.

It took me years to find a strong community (a close group of girlfriends and an incredibly loving mother who I am the luckiest person in the world to call my mom and who makes me feel safe, seen, and loved unconditionally).

It took much pain, confusion, and heartbreak. And it required me to unlearn a lot of my limiting beliefs: things like “I’m annoying,” “I’m too much for people,” “I’m awkward and unlikeable,” or “I am the reason why so many friendships were harmful to me.” In other words, “I am the common denominator.” Whenever I experienced rejection or mistreatment, I would assume it was further confirmation of the negative messaging.

I didn’t consider that it may have been my relational blueprint subconsciously seeking out relationships that repeated those of my upbringing and avoiding ones that were genuinely safe, supportive, and loving. All I “knew” was that love and acceptance had to be earned and constantly fought for because that’s what I thought growing up.

How The Lies We Are Told Prevent Us From Enjoying Fulfilling Friendships

Victims of attachment trauma, particularly those who were scapegoated or targeted by an abusive narcissist, often need convincing that they indeed deserve love, care, and support.

(I lived with one for eight years). Healthy friendships are a right, not something you must apply for or jump through hoops to get. The tendrils of an abusive upbringing always rear their ugly heads by “reminding you” that if your parents couldn’t love you unconditionally, then how could anyone else? Just FYI - My dad left us the day my brother was born. Strategies such as badmouthing the friend or asking you whether the friend ‘actually likes you are enough to plant a seed of doubt. Those with attachment trauma struggle to make healthy friends for a few reasons: One, they are actively conditioned to seek out unhealthy people and try to fix them or carry their emotional loads. This was how we survived, and this was how we “earned” our place “at the table.” Secondly, as a result of this conditioning, we actually don’t get exposed to healthy relationships. And so old patterns keep getting reinforced.

Another reason we struggle is that when we do meet a healthy person, we don’t recognize it. It feels unfamiliar, even uncomfortable. We don’t know how to bond. We don’t feel worthy. We wonder what the catch is or when the other shoe is going to drop. It is really hard to accept love from people when you don’t know what love feels like. It is near impossible to risk being open to love — vulnerable enough to let it in — when what you experienced growing up was that love is dangerous. It comes with hefty strings attached, immense emotional labor, denial of self and identity, guilt trips (at best), or psychological and emotional damage at worst. How do you open yourself up to love when all you were told is that even if love were genuine, you didn’t deserve it anyway. Plus, how can you risk loving someone in return when you’re never sure if they will up and abandon you?

I have spent many a friendship — even now with some of my absolute best friends — waiting for the moment they “get sick of me” or call me “selfish” for having a need or for accepting their love and care.

I am a well-adjusted, kind, self-aware individual. I do the work. I have to, as we all have issues. I have dedicated my life to the profession through therapy and coaching. And yet, I am not immune to the occasional hauntings by the ghosts of attachment trauma. I had to re-learn, every day with every interaction, to trust myself and trust my friends and to re-teach my body what it feels like to be loved and safe. I had to practice this because it was not part of my original blueprint. I had to stop myself from questioning every interaction and wondering if that was the one that finally “put them off.”And I still have to swallow my pride sometimes and ask my friends for reassurance.

Because they are healthy and loving, they provide that reassurance.

Needing reassurance is not dramatic or weak. It is honest. And honest, healthy friends will happily provide it without assuming you are “needy.”The concept of “being needy” is just another leftover gaslight flickering from when you were chastised for doing anything for yourself that didn’t exclusively serve your toxic parent.

When you have attachment wounds, you have needs. That is not “being needy.” You have a justifiable need to know that you are safe with others. Healthy friends will help you build a foundation of safety and scaffold strong walls of self-trust so that you can confidently create a home and community with them.

Feel free to contact me directly, and I am glad to share my experiences that can maybe help you on your unique journey! Remember, there is only one you and that is your magic!

XOXO, Ms.K